People, POV, and Life

Few days ago, Thursday was a well spent afternoon at the coffee house with some good friends. A whole meaningful and deep deep convos that i didnt expect i'd be having with a bunch of friends which surely neither of us knows what's exactly going on with our life, a bunch of clueless not-so adults that pretend to be one or being forced to be one i assume. A grown up human, people might say, when in fact we are just some kiddos trying to figure things out and fight against our reality.

People, a complex human being with endless wishes and dreams in mind. We talked a lot from A to Z, random things, future plans, what we want, dreams, reality, and i definitely had a great time with them. I didnt expect i would even have such convos with them. It was so mind blowing, i got to know deeper about my friends, how they see things, how they want life to be, how they picture what future has in store, and how they imagine what stable life looks like. And i could say, people are divers, what they want, what they like, and what they see. Some just want to have a stable life, raising kids, have a happy family, spend their times with their parents while still can. Some doesnt even bother about having a partner, enjoy life to the fullest, travel the world, take care of their cats, buy their parents a house, and collect snowglobes. Some already think about growing old in their hometown with their partner and kids, volunteer and help more people in need. Some want a small house but with nice cars, own a mclaren or two, and go to iceland and witness the aurora borealis. People have their own priorities, and none of them is "small". 

Wanting to have a stable life and a small house is just as amazing as wanting to travel the world and collect snowglobe, as well as wanting to spend times and live happily with the family is just as magnificent as wanting to feed stray cats and live alone by their ownselves. Some wants a small house and some wants a big loft, some wants to live in a big city and some wants to live in a small town with fresh air. I believe both sides have a pretty good reason behind what they want life to be. Im happy and grateful to get to meet lots of people with different pov on how they see life and how they define what perfect life would be. Everyone has their own perspective on how things should be and a good story on why they want what they want in life.

Time flies, people change, as well as what we want in life, the way we think, and the way we see life. Life may not always fun and happy but just play along with it, it might surprise you with big surprises. Sad, happy, laugh, tear, up, down, will always stop by and say hi. Everything is just temporary and we have our own timeline. We might be planning and preparing things for tomorrow but we would never know what the future holds. Seeing things from a bigger perspective and from a different pov will definitely make life much better, make us more understanding and judge less. Im forever grateful to be where i am now and to all my friends, im thank you for always being here for me, telling me stories, making me laugh with those nonsense jokes haha, and thank you for embracing this freaky weird friend of yours aka me. 

can I see you anytime soon?

By the midst of February, it was two weeks before my birthday when I found myself almost cry at the warmth of its presence. it was a short meeting. a whole noon well spent at the park above the hill. it was cloudy mid day, as if the sky wearing a veil to hide his true color, yet I could see clearly the cities below the hill and all the greens. The view's quite beautiful, looking at the scenery on the other side of the hill made me feel peaceful. the greens and the line of the mountains remind me of waking up in the country, first thing in the morning when Im all alone. I have not yet spoken to a soul, I look outside at the window and it is serene. If I could only be the only person left in the world and yet, somehow Im not lonely. Im at peace.

as the clock ticking and time passing by, in the afternoon when the sun went to its peak and the sun light gave a purplish glow, it did give me peace and inner contentment to always feel grateful for all the little things. the warmth of that midst February was just perfect and it reminds me to the idea of living in a far away land. where I could hear the birds chapping on the tree just outside the window and the sound of the flowing water from a stream behind the house and perhaps on an island which also offer cold winter yet a warm atmosphere. 

the wind blew and I could see how the leaves fall down from its branch leaving the tree. February was just as sweet as that October evening, and as warm as that December night. Did u know I like the way you stare at me when you tell me stories and the way you call my name? basically I adore almost everything that you do, almost. I still hate it, the way you said that you dont like latte just because latte was originally from America and you dont like most americans. you cant judge a coffee by its origin you know, I said. you should've ordered a latte or black coffee, though. it's been months, can I see you anytime soon?

Life updates

Eyyo! it's been a while now, almost 3 months of hiatus. Another shot of too much feeling and thinking has led me to checking up on my blog. As of college almost comes to an end, which mean yes Im gonna graduate soon. YEAY!! and guess what? my brain has gone a million miles a minute, thinking about all those what might gonna happen in the future and such adult stuff like buying an apartment lol. Yes thankyou, Im well aware of the "being an adult sucksssss, can I just go back to my childhood already" kinda thought. It's become a rarity to not getting myself into troubles, being stuck in a nightmare that Im no longer a kid and I have to drive this self into the right destination. Graduate from college means Im officially an adult and I have to take care of my own life all by myself:) Don't u  think it's scary? the idea of being an adult and a mature human being and the fact that you have to face it whatever comes in the way. I even got that uneasy feeling while watching netflix and finishing my favorite rom-com series. can u imagine?? you cant even relax when you're supposed to feel relax in your leisure time. But Im happy tho, for being able to walk this far after all the low-lows and having someone by my side. 

The journey was never been easy for me, but I know I can manage. Fast-forward to now, approaching my graduation day, some things are still blurry but I can sense good things are on its way. Well sometimes I still feel the worry, anxiety, and the overwhelming stress but I've become more aware of the flows of life and grown to be more sedated in my feelings. My outlook is not of hopeless anymore as I learn that indeed the darkness is bound to be met with the light. Everything's kinda make sense now. Thanks to me for still doing a good job to write things down, putting down the pen to my journal and capture the weight in my chest into words. It's been a source of warmth and comfort to me. Speaking of journey, I still have one more finals to face before I graduate. wish me luck!! 

With that being said, there's a mix feeling in between. when you're in your early 20s and you still have so many list of I wanna do this, I wanna do that, I wanna go there, I wanna go here, I wanna buy this, I wanna buy that you feel like, okay I need to do something. that's the spirit which currently dancing inside my brain. Seeing other people in my age that's already being way more successful than I am sometimes kinda scares me:( haha I know, this life is not a race but... okay never mind we just need to focus on ourselves.  It's totally okay to start small everyday, we all have our own timeline hihi. but please universe make my timeline as good as how I want it to be xixi

Anyway I've got vaccinated (first dose of Sinovac vaccine and gonna get the second shot next month) cause this global pandemic hasn't really gone yet. oh c'mon, dear pandemic get going real quick plssss ur not cool!! I hate u. I wanna meet my friends and I wanna go somewhere I've never been to, I still got so many list of places I want to visit. this pandemic really is making everyone insane:( it's been one and a half year of living side by side and trying to get over this pandemic. Stay healthy and sane everyone! I hope you are all doing just fine and eat well. dont forget ur vitamins and drink more water, ok?;) and always follow the health protocols #1 may this pandemic get over real soon

I think that's all for today, see ya on my next post xx

Distance

I know it's hard for you but dont you think that it's hard for me too? not being able to hug you when i know you need it the most, not being able to be there when you need me, not being able to show up at your door just to cheer you up when ure sad and tired, not being able to look into your eyes and telling you that everything is going to be okay when you are desperate about your business, not being able to whisper and telling you "hey we can get thru this" when college stuff seems so overwhelming, not being able to punch you in the face or kick your ass😠 when you're being so lazy and procrastinate a lot, not being able to comfort you when you are at the hospital, not being able to even meet you when i miss you so bad, not being able just to have lunch or hang out with you just because the distance is just so far away. Do you know how worried i was when you got sick and i didnt hear anything from you? How worried i was when i ask you "are u okay" but didnt get any reply? I was worried about you, cause i know there's nothing i could do but calling and texting and praying. 

Do you think it's easy for me to resist the feeling of missing you everyday? You just dont know how much i worry about you when you were there alone at the hospital and knowing that i was just being useless here and couldnt do anything about it cause we were and still two hundreds KM apart. I know it's hard and i know the distance is just too painful to both of us. Im sorry, i wish i could do a thing about it. For now maybe we could only be there for each other virtually, but there's more awaits in the future and it could be distance too. We've been separated by distance all this time, dont make it even harder. We can do it.

But do you know what's good about distance? The fact that we could appreciate presence more. We may only meet once in three or four months but I could sense how much we value those short meetings, even if it's just a day or two. I know you sacrificed a lot just to show up visiting me here in town. With your workload that is as high as the burj khalifa and your grand masterplan to start a business, i know how much things that you keep aside just to make time with me and to buy me my favorite ice cream. And i thank you for that. It's been two months since the last time we met, and we need another month to wait until we both could finally meet again only for another two or three days worth of meeting. See you on the next date, eh?

Dandelion

I know how much you like hot chocolate
You know how much i like coffee
And we both know how to pick a good book
Dandelion was my answer when you asked me what my favorite flower is
It's from french, you said
"dent-de-lion" which mean lion's tooth
I like it when you tell me stuff that i dont know
I like it when you stare into my eyes when you explain things
I like it when you tell me stories of the ancient lands
Greek, Rome, Babylonia, Bizantine
You are the one who keep sending me flowers for no apparent reason
You said I were more like sunflowers
Yet I still dont know the reasons why
When i asked "why" you always laugh and would look at the sun above the sky, then drop your sight right into my eyes and smile
When I got mad by my own paintings that didnt look good as I thought it'd be
You would come to my studio and left a bouquet with a little note on it
"Hey, dont forget to look up at the sky. It's pretty just like you, as well as ur painting"
Until now, dandelion would always remind me of you
Anyway, I keep it dried and take a good care of all the flowers that you sent
By the time I write this poem
I still read the old letters and notes from you as a reminder that someone outhere loves me unconditionally

Summer 1999

I saw the stop sign at the parking lot
It was hard to focus when things are unclear
I knew the red light when you give me one
Or maybe i was wrong, i wish i knew
It was one good summer in Italy
You didn't know yet what feelings I had back then in summer 1999
And neither did I
Until one day when we both were looking for some books
And you treated me a large iced coffee and a strawberry ice cream at the small cafe which own a massive bookshelf
I still remember the shirt you were wearing, it was black
And your favorite air jordan and your nike backpack
We sat on the table number 13 and i could see how you stare at me everytime I looked away
Everything was good, having you around
I dont even remember the first time I met you. when and how
All I know is, you were always there, by my side