Here it is... last day of 2017, means that tomorrow is another new year, about few minutes left until this year gone. Things change, wound heal, people move. Time to start over, new resolutions, new goals, new plans, and whatever. This year has been a rough one for me:) but thank God this rough patch has made me grow up even maturer. Regardless my bunch of failures, I still have hope, dream, and I am grateful for everything that happened to me. I kinda had lost (typical nowadays-teenage hngg) since some of my dream didn't turn to reality (one of them is go to Mars as a NASA astronaut). kidding. Well #notsojk. I always wanted to be an astronaut every now and then. But gotta be a lil bit more realistic:) I suck at numbers. Can't even count on myself. I used to obsessed with math and stuff well that's when I was a kid, back then on my elementary school. I even joined a math olympiad in town and um science olympiad too *laughintears #whathappentome?

Im 18 now, well not so long till I turn 19 tbh and there's still so many things I wanna do (and more books to read. Absolutely.)

Rality sucks yet we have to deal with it. Embrace it. 

I've learned so many things that I couldn't get in highschool desk, one of 'em is about real life. Not only theory. (Should've written a book "Step how to face reality nicely without have to feel lost or whatever") Voila we couldn't resist reality. End of the story. Not helping at all. Im not helping my self #whatamiwriting?! Well guys I should've lost my mind by writing this #anothernonsense post. Sorry for ruining your new year eve. You might regret after read those writing above. 

MOST OF ALL I JUST WANNA SAY ALHAMDULILLAH. 

Bye. And. Anyway. Happy new year. May our bucket list turn into reality, pls!

P.S. don't swim into dunya's pool too deep. It's a trap. Always remember hereafter:) #selfreminder

P.S. 2.0 wrote this post just bc its new year eve and Idk what else I should do. Im laying on my bed and do nothing (im eating bread on my bed tbh). So I just write without any means except to fill my boredom. Ok. And I wanna go abroad the International space station and watch the sun rises within the horizon, be with Mr. Tingle, Mr. Kanai, and Mr. Shkaplerov who'll spend their next 5 month there. Working for the good of human-kind.

Hug for the world

About what's happening, indeed the world does need help. Climate change, war, poverty, and many more problems that the world's facing. Im afraid if things will go worse, human shouldn't have hate each other, we should love and protect more. Everyone probably knew what happened (well it's still happening rn) after Trump's declaration of Jerusalem as Israeli's capital city that really hurts palestinians and trigger conflict and rejection not only from palestinians but also people around the globe. I send my best hope and pray to those who's affected from this tragic situation, especially for my palestinian muslim brothers and sisters. May Allah always protect and  save you. 

People started looking for allies to build their power and do whatever they want to make sure they get what they want, even if they should kill or attack innocent people. Does it really necessary? I don't think so. We, people really are shall love, care, protect, and help each other. 

Compassion is our greatest weapon as a human being, we should carry it within ourselves everytime. I do believe that's our own nature as a human being.  People only need allies when there is something to be allied against. So why don't we just support each other? Stop hating, attacking, fighting, killing. Start loving, caring, helping, and hugging instead. This world is too good, it has always given us anything we need, food, water, soil, air. Everything is well served. We just need to be grateful enough. As a feedback, I do think the world doesn't want something else rather than peace and our protection. It's our duty to make sure that the world is safe to inhabit. That's home. Our home.

Self reflection: find your own anchor

A friend of mine asked me to share my story of my kinda get-rid-of-phone days. So here is my story: I started my my kinda no-phone-day on December 10th till December 13th. I needed to clear my mind  after everything that happened to me. Yep 4 days without wifi, internet, socmed, ig, ect ect. Air plane mode all day long. I still did check on my phone, set alarm, open dictionary, some time take a look on my phone's gallery, looking over funny pics on it (since most of them are memes) and memories I've captured. I loved taking pics, decorating my room, arranging my book shelf, making polarid photos and put it on my wall room.

I felt not okay lately, grief and scared mostly. So I decided to left my phone behind. I spent the whole 4 days watched movies, tv shows, cried over my fav fictional character (most of them are dead), invested in fictional characters live's, sobbed over my OTP love story, read books, study some time, did some workout (Well, you guys should know I wanna build up my phisical strength too). I also wrote and painted. Awoke all night and philosophizing before bed (which is my talent). And sorry not sorry:p I didn't text my friends about my decision of my no-phone-day, anyway. I assume they probably get worried why I didn't reply, even read their messages (chill guys xD).

I wanna get relax, enjoy my time, and get some fresh air. for me it wasn't a  big deal at all, my kinda no-phone-day. Well, there are some reasons about my decision to disappear and get rid of social medias for a while. 

First: the fact that socmed made me ungrateful enough upon blessing that God has given to me. I started highlighting over things that I didn't have instead of being grateful of things and blesses that I already get. I compared everything of my self to others, underestimate my own self, and forgot about simple little things that could make me happy. I know, I shouldn't have compared my self to others. I do realize we are all human with our own different power, strength, and flaw, even weakness. The worst part of socmed (espc ig, well I might used it unwisely:>), for me is the fact that other people seem have a perfect life, while me, my self is the one who hasn't a perfect life. Then after I spent my 4 days without phone, I realize life is perfectly imperfect, nobody has a perfect life. Sometimes life's unfair and sucks but life always worth to fight for. 

The next reason is socmed and stuff waste my time "I'll just check some updates on insta for a sec." I said to myself. And guess what??? Yes, I end up spend hours. Then obviously I couldn't sort out my priorities. Being a slave of socmed.

After I finished my kinda no-phone-day which is only 4 days, now I feel more fresh, more grateful, happier, more organized, ect ect. I feel much better in so many ways and feel more me rn. Alhamdulillah. 

For anyone who wish to decrease the burden on your shoulder. It might worth to try: stay away of social medias for a while, enjoy your time, be more grateful, and stop comparing yourself to others (Im not lecturing guys, just saying:)) 

Well of course, different traits have different ways to handle things and what works for me might not work for you. Good luck!

Hey, it's me, Rocket.

I woke up earlier that day. First day of spring break. I was on my way running and jogging around. I opened the door and I stepped on something, kind of paper(?) I was not sure. I picked up that thing, a letter, apparently. Someone has put in under my dorm door. I have no idea who's that from. I took it, my hands shaking. I stepped back, brought it on to my desk.  A letter sealed neatly with no name on the envelope and no receiver name on it. I started open the letter slowly, so I wont disturb my roomate, my best friend, who's still asleep. I began read the letter which clearly from Mr/Mrs/Ms Anonymous and delivered for me(?) Well I wasnt really read the letter. At first I saw rocket, aurora borealis, celestial, and other astronomy-ish words. The handwriting wasn't so good to be honest yet still neat and read-able(?) This might a random letter about astronomy phenomenon, I thought, since few days ago was a solar eclipse, which was amazing. Here is what the letter says:

"Hey Venus! It's me, Rocket. How are you? Hope you are good. Wonder if I might scared you bc of this odd letter. I just wanna say thank you, for all your support you've given to me. Well, not only me I guess, since you are very kind, nice, and generous to all earthlingers:) it's a pleasure to meet you, a beautiful young woman just like aurora borealis, a rare one with only goodness inside. Im off tomorrow, to my dream place, on my way chasing my greatest desire. Become the first human being to stay in next door planet for awhile, it's not so far away, we're still on the same galaxy, don't worry about me, I'll be okay. Everything's gonna be alright, I promise. I'll send you how's earth actually looks alike from here, must be beautiful. I'll always watch you anyway, just look above you, I'll be right there, on your south side sky from your dorm window. I'll be there, above the sky, well on the same sky:) ...be good, Venus. I'll be back soon and I hope to see you on earth. 

-Rocket-"

My cheeks wet, right after I finished read the letter. He said he's my rocket. I couldn't speak. His words was so sincere. I felt like something hit my chest. I barely breath. All I could say is good bye Rocket, Im gonna be okay, don't worry about me. I hope to see you here. I whispered. I sobbed. I wiped my tears with my hands shaking. Worried I couldn't see him again. But I do believe we will meet again, he has made his promise.

See you, Rocket.

boredom story of no-school day #1

hi! it's been a long day since my last post back then when I was on my short vacay in Jakarta. Okay today Im going to write story of my boredom during my last 3 months of having nothing to do lmao (I mean school and stuff) oh man... I really am miss high school so much (do you guys think I should write more post about high school story?) well a week ago I just applied to join MUN (Model United Nation) due to my have-nothing-to-do routine. So I was about applying MUN. and I got my result on September 18th, well actually I supposed to receive email of announcement on September 15th, they said they have to delay the announcement because there were so many people who applied. Here is my result

alhamdulillah...

Im happy at the beginning but apparently it costs 400 usd hahahaha:( okay, that's not the point, here is my point. Im happy because somehow join an International conference and gather with youth all around the world is my dream since I was a kid. I think it will be my very first experience to join MUN ofc after I paid the fee haha. anyway those conference will be held on November 2017 in Malaysia. InshaaAllah. and how it's feel for being accepted after going through my time when I got slots of rejected for things that I applied? well I almost forget how's the feeling of being accepted before this one. as you know, I made lot of failure this year and I sometimes keep blaming my self for failure that I have made. as I remembered the day when I almost reach my lowest point of life, hopelessness, depressed, and desperateness. there's always a way to finish it.

at this moment Im grateful and will be forever grateful for anything that I have. I glad to have friends who always stand by my side and support me as well through my up and down. thank you guys!

those word "congratulation" mean a lot for me just now, because it seems long ago I received such a nice announcement of event that I applied. hmm actually I applied another International conference last august, and guess what my result is?! obviously I failed:)

hahaha indeed I got slots of failure, none is capable of avoiding failure and mistake and so do I.

sad night-rain

When a night falls on my head

And the sky become darker

Feeling sad because the wall is gone

when the stars come out to play

That's when Im crying

I saw myself jump out of the cliff

Watching how much I lost

I tried to sleep under fear

with only my right-hand as my pillow

And the dark sky as my sheet

I kept telling myself and my mind it is okay

We are not that lose

We can build (again) the wall

As the rain washed away my tears

that cold June night

I stop crying

Yet I still think about the gone wall

I keep telling my self (again)

It'll be ok (eventually)

Ok then I said to my self

I promise I'll build that wall

And turn on the light

Very soon

Morning chit chat between a dad and his daughter

Background and location: On one shining morning in the edge of a town, not so far away from the market, a girl sat down in the kitchen with her dad while her mum still busy cooking and prepare breakfast. Dad was enjoying his coffee. His daughter sat on his lap anyway. Daughter drank a cup of tea (sweet tea; for detail). 

"Dad may I ask you something?" She said as she drank her tea

Then her dad answer; "ask away my sweetie, ask away."

"What is 'real world', dad? Is it different from mine? Why do I don't know if there's an other world out there, maybe? Is it nice to live in real world, dad? Does other people know it already, dad, or is it just me who have no idea about the real world?"

"Oh sweetie, such a hard question to answer." Her dad said

"So neither of us know about the real world? i guess." The little girl (about 7 years old) said as she approach her mum that handed her a full plate of toast. 

"Well, my dear. Real world is just same as our, dear, the earth. It's always nice regardless where we live or who we are, as long as we can enjoy our life, no matter where we live, we could always be happy as well. Listen, sweetie, sometimes things are hard and far away from our expectation and sometimes thing disapoint us. That's life, my dear. Maybe you can relate it when you are older or above 17 I guess, but it's okay to learn about life earlier *smile*. There will come a moment when you feel sad, fail, afraid, fall, and many more things that lead us to giving up in any way. The key is always find a new hope and dream, sweetie, never ever giving up! no matter how hard your life is. Indeed, life is hard basically. But we have to face it, struggle, keep trying, and one more thing, live your life and be grateful." Her dad said

"My dear, people has their own challenge. So, if you have difficulties on your way, don't worry, there's people who might facing harder challenge. Good luck honey!" Her dad said

P.S not so interesting post I guess:(

My name is dream

Hey kid!
Where will you go? They  asked
Somewhere. She said
I beg your pardon, kid.
Somewhere
Somewhere far away from here
Hey kid!
Where are you going? They asked
Sky. She said
Im sorry?
Sky
Above the sky
Are you sure? They asked
Yes, I am. She said
Are you okay? They asked
No, Im not. She said
What's your name anyway, kid? They asked
My name is dream. She said

I fear 'fear'. She said

I look outside through a window from the coffee shop in the very heart of my town. The moonlight keep that night fully awake. And it was in the middle of May as I remember. That place is pleasant for me, I could hide from the bustling and let my mind take a deep joy breath. I brought my book that day as usual. My favourite is cappucino anyway but Im fancy white coffee lately. I used to steal drink my dad's coffee before breakfast (typical unhealthy kid) . After few hours I enjoyed my coffee and almost finish 4 chapters of my book, a girl staring into a chair in front of me. I gave her a little smile and she kinda approached me and sat on an empty chair ahead me. "Mind if I accompany you enjoy your coffee, not really tho. I mean can I sit down here. I couldn't find anywhere else to sit. Everywhere is full." She said as I stared at her. "That's ok, no wonder it's saturday night haha." I said

We didn't talk much, just like what she said, just accompany me to enjoy my coffee. It felt weird to drink coffee with a stranger who sat right in front of you without saying any word, so I decided to ask her random questions that appear on my head and we were laughing together. All of sudden she asked me such a question but her explanation about her own question was beyond good. Well, she asked me "things I fear the most". And I was like why on earth did she ask me that question??????

"Er... shall I answer your question? Well umm, Im afraid of serpent thing, and umm... crazy people, and maybe being lost in outer space." I said as I turn my book page.
"So you are afraid of snake? Hahaha." She kinda laughing at me with her funny and clean face (no pimples at all wow) and she has a beautiful pair of sharp brown eyes.
"well, kind of *chuckle* And how about you anyway?" I said.
"I fear 'fear'." She said.

It sounds weird at the beginning, but then she told me how fear could be worse than anything else and the thing that actually fear us is fear it self.
Well that's make sense I thought.

P.S after I reread that story above, I do feel it's a bit confusing, but whatever HAHAHA *evil face*

Chapter eleven: The Sorting Hat's New Song

The whole school waited with bated breath. Then the rip near the hat's brim opened wide like a mouth and the Sorting Hat burst into song:

In times of old when I was new

And Hogwarts barely started

The founders of our noble school

Thought never to be parted:

United by a common goal,

They had the selfsame yearning,

To make the world's best magic school

And pass along their learning.

'Together we will build and teach!'

The four good friends decided

And never did they dream that they

Might some day be divided,

For were there such friends anywhere

As Slytherin and Gryffindor?

Unless it was the second pair

Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw?

So how could it have gone so wrong?

How could such friendships fail?

Why, I was there and so can tell

The whole sad, sorry tale.

Said Slytherin, 'We'll teach just those

Whose ancestry is purest.'

Said Ravenclaw, 'We'll teach those whose

Intelligence is surest. '

Said Gryffindor, 'We'll teach all those

With brave deeds to their name, '

Said Hufflepuff, 'I'll teach the lot,

And treat them just the same. '

These differences caused little strife

When first they came to light,

For each of the four founders had

A house in which they might

Take only those they wanted, so,

For instance, Slytherin

Took only pure-blood wizards

Of great cunning, just like him,

And only those of sharpest mind

Were taught by Ravenclaw

While the bravest and the boldest

Went to daring Gryffindor.

Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest,

And taught them all she knew,

Thus the houses and their founders

Retained friendships firm and true.

So Hogwarts worked in harmony

For several happy years,

But then discord crept among us

Feeding on our faults and fears.

The houses that, like pillars four,

Had once held up our school,

Now turned upon each other and,

Divided, sought to rule.

And for a while it seemed the school

Must meet an early end,

What with duelling and with fighting

And the clash of friend on friend

And at last there came c morning

When old Slytherin departed

And though the fighting then died out

He left us quite downhearted.

And never since the founders four

Were whittled down to three

Have the houses been united

As they once were meant to be.

And now the Sorting Hat is here

And you all know the score:

I sort you into houses

Because that is what I'm for,

But this year I'll go further,

Listen closely to my song:

Though condemned I am to split you

Still I worry that it's wrong,

Though I must fulfil my duty

And must quarter every year

Still I wonder whether Sorting

May not bring the end I fear.

Oh, know the perils, read the signs,

The warning history shows,

For our Hogwarts is in danger

From external, deadly foes

And we must unite inside her

Or we'll crumble from within

I have told you, I have warned you ...

Let the Sorting now begin.

The Hat became motionless once more; applause broke out...

P.S which book is it? Your guess:p *chuckle* Potterhead can probably relate

Ramadan kareem!!!

I rarely wrote about islamic  thing, so here we go. Im about writing Ramadan, a holy month for muslims all around the world. A year has passed, time flies so fast, really. It's seems only yesterday, now we are facing an other holy month, Ramadan. Alhamdulillah, Allah still give us a chance to face Ramadan this year. A proper time to repent our wrong doings and sin (well, we are basically a sinner). May Allah bless us and make our Ramadan full of happiness and joy. It's time to fasting, isn't? How about your prep? I hope it's went well. Cheer up guys, first day of fasting.

For me Ramadan would always be my fav month ever, reunited with my big family, being connected with old friends, I love the vibes when people are waiting for iftar hahaha (eat eat eat). I really am grateful for what Allah has given to me, about His bless trough every single phase of my life. Im 18 yo already so I think it's my 18th Ramadan *reckon what I've done about my existence*.

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الصِّيَامُ كَمَا كُتِبَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ - 2:183

O you who have believed, decreed upon you is fasting as it was decreed upon those before you that you may become righteous (surah Al-Baqarah:183)

Like what people said, time goes on, and so do I, grow up. Time to move forward, do the right things, pray to tighten our faith. For my fangirls fellow may y'all be patient in avoiding read fanfic, read holy quran instead. and no more punk rock song cause we'll listening to playlist lagu religi. 

Well, let's start a new page of life. Wishing us a blessed and peaceful holy month of Ramadan, may Allah remove our sins and bad deeds.

Aamiin ya rabbal 'alamiin

Anyway a friend of mine just recommend me a very good app to keep on track about our ibadaah (worship) during Ramadan. It's ramadan legacy. So I suggest you to download it too;) go download them freely on app store or google play!

Ramadan mubarak for all my muslim brothers and sisters!

Talk about high school

I was officially graduated from high school on May 2nd, for me highschool is both best and worst part of my life. eversince the very first day of high school, I was being interest to observe who people truly are, and trying to find out what actually the meaning of life is. Highschool is neither about finding a boyfriend nor being the prom queen girl. It's absolutely more than just studying math or physics but it's about how do we start to make our life live. High school days made me realize that life is clearly tough and just getting harder. 

Being a not so-famous girl in highschool further took me into a place where I could learn how does society now a days work. People would give their life just to live the silly and cruel sterotype society judgement. I think Im mentally grow up after I realize being a highschool-er undeniably can suck, but Im pretty glad about the fact that life goes on. Life definitely must go on.

The best part about high school for me is, about the day I was trying to figure out what life truly is, it sound silly but indeed it's the most important one to prepare about future and do what the best I could. I learn lot of stuff during my school days, strugle, laugh, tears, suffer, guilty, etc. Im grateful, eventually I know it really is matter for me, that's all made me grow up and maturer. I already met much human characters, people are good but sometimes people can undeliberately make something bad just because they don't realize that everything's matter. Im not saying we should always do good and have no regret about life it self but it's all about TRYING to do good deeds. No matter how small it seems, a good one deed can make a better life. 

I always try to open my mind about anything and it does help me to see things differently and getting rid of stereotype society judgement. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply but Im grateful to be kind of a deep thinker person.

Sometimes, back in school days I asked my own self about my existence in high school, and I end up called my self as a not so-famous girl, but apparently Im mistaken. It's not about being noticed by society but that's all about make our existence matter, at least for our own self and help society it self. We can't force people to notice our existence but we could make our self realize how ignorant our society is. Since then I aware that being noticed by society is really not so important thing. Our dedication would be meaningless if we categorize our deed based on society standard.

Back again I’m pretty glad that life goes on when I feel like the worst part in higschool hit me so hardly (although I won't directly show it). In the end everything's matter. Isn't? 

Im really happy about every single memory I had in high school, Im grateful, I still got the chance to meet people I haven't met before, step one higher stage of life, I made one of my wildest dream when I was in highschool anyway, so the vibes about highschool perfectly will never leave my heart. 

Im about saying high school did make me mentally mature.

How if anything doesn't exist

I asked my self how does the universe start to exist and what the first of all event was. How about the other  far far away universe? Do we have allies out there? Once I realized that time is just one dimension of many. My understanding of time is that one thing happens after another. Physics tells that time and cause are just purely concept of our minds. We happen to live in a universe with physical law that allow conciousness to exist and travel along the dimensional "line". We are just seing one moment after the other. In fact, the history of our universe is just exist, it goes infinitely into the future and past. There would no first or last, it is actually like written in a book that has never be written. We are reading it but how we read it or where we start it  depend on who is reading it. There laid many mystery tales among the sky and the star that seem have no ending. 

And so, the real question is not why anything exists. But how if anything doesn't exist.

Clearly we are all just a stardust, we almost nothing but we made from a star stuff.

P.s. sometimes we gotta grateful just because we are a human-being. Isn't it nice to be a human?

A letter

Dear Hermione

When you read this letter, I hope you won't hex or crucio me. Umm i can't say much, but for merlin's sake i think you'd better know one thing before  we at least leave hogwarts after the war and find our own way.

I love you, granger.

Although i've broke your feelin for many times due to my dumb assness to call u a mudblood and any else worse thing. I love you, granger. I never admit it to anyone else even my self, i had been denying it for years. I was wondering about my feeling these years about you honestly. I kept asking my self do I really love you or I just randomly think about you. Then I tell my mother about it, eventually. Of course she didn't approve but all she want is me to be happy, so my mother told me to write you a letter just in case to say sorry after all i've done. I hope you would accept my appologize though i know you wouldn't that easy.

Now, you dont need to be worry about me, im okay if i have none who would stand beside me. We might could be a friend (did i just propose you to be my friend? Damn, but apparently yes. Would u granger?) Well okay, never mind, i just out of my line. Besides, i know you already have weasel and saint potter. You deserve them, they're all good meanwhile me, i just a villain and brainless. Anyway i hope best for u and weasel.

Just hoping that one day i could be as lucky as weasel... to find someone who will love me no matter who I am. Yet Im afraid of losing but i know im a coward  and i deserve nothing. After what my family and I have done in the war, i  realize i even don't deserve to live. To be honest granger, i never ever want to stay in the dark side but i just had no choice. My father kept forcing me to be the dumb dark lord's servant. Once I was thinking to defect into your side but apparently im a coward, i had no bravery in my hell blood. I promise to my self that if one day i have kids i'll raise them in peace and love so that there wouldn't any other savage malfoy who insult muggle born witch. And it would be nice if you're the mother of my kids. Oh what the  hell granger, did i just say about future? 

I know granger, this letter would mean nothing for you. 

Stay well, granger. Im praying to salazar for your best. Oh...um, one more thing -im happy about you and weasel. And I do really mean it. 

Sincerely yours,

Draco

Pointless Post

I read some dramione fanfics these days and i think im obsessed. its been one of my fav otp #perksofbeingmultifandom. I actually have lot of things to do about my school stuff, well yea national exam ahead, its less than a week but i still treat my self like exam wouldn't come lmao. I was reading my biology literature when suddenly sleepyness hit my brain hardly. I laid on my bed then, for my sleepy's sake. But apparently my brain couldn't sleep. Bcs u know, the draco malfoy keep spinning on my head lollll. I'v often lost some of my ideas to write due to my inadequate ability to wrap neatly a story or writing, so i just desperately let them running out my brain without write them down. Suddenly i felt like someone hit me on the face with dramione ideas, so here we go. Im gonna write them down.  Though, it wasn't an epic one fanfic but it would be my very first fanfiction i ever made. Gonna slay fanfic world lmao. Well, not really. Im sorry if my writing wasn't as good as JK Rowling but i do hope you guys will enjoy it. Check them out on my next post!

Dazzle and the rain

It is dazzle all night

A light rain soaked into quiet thought

Every eerie feeling suddenly faded

As the dazzle washed away tears

The bustling is now quiet

And an awareness of the universe

Keep dropping dazzle continually

Make every life live

Make every thought wandering

Trigger every emotional responses

Rebuilt graceful and joy

And find peace during the dazzle

The earth seems enjoy the raindrop

There's a quiet beauty found in the rain

The world blurred for a while but its fine

It would be a fine dazzle as always

Stuff Im not good at

Well, since I felt sick about school and stuff and was wondering about my future life. Im going to write down something Im not good at [it might bcs I never tried nor did serious practice]. Basically I do believe there's nothing impossible, but Im done with music haha. Im totally have no ability in music especially in vocal. except singing in bathroom while I took shower (its been my best skill I've ever known). When I was in middle school my dad taught me to play guitar and I enjoyed it alot. But then school made me tired and I was desperately left my guitar lesson with my dad. Surely I enjoyed music a lot and also I loved when people playing music or do something about music stuff. It is like music could express what people felt in a great way and simply made people alive. People would always say music exist to speak the words they can't express. And music had been a great influence to all people.

My problem through music is, I desperately couldn't help my self to understand what the tones are sound. I could never deal with the tone. Ok, I don't have good voice in singing... and I felt miserable about my voice while Im singing. Sometimes Im jealous with my friends who are master in music and they're just look 100000% cooler when they show up their ability in music. Meanwhile me, i just sit there and feel pathetic about my ability-_-

"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything." -Plato

Though I can't sing well, I really love with people who speak their mind through music. They speak in a classy way, and the lyrics indeed have deep meaning for the people who wrote it. for the people who very fond of music especially the song writer, who write down their deep thought through musical lyric. I fully appreciate it. Often I think that the lyrics are also a poem, they were so poetic. Although Im not good at music stuff, I would like to learn music if I have any chance.

A short acquainted

In the delightful evening she got the train, her eyes gazing around, staring into people. She like the way people are people with their unique personality. She took a sit and play on the music from her phone as she put on her head phone. She enjoyed solitude she made herself and open her book instead. That girl loved books so much, she would spend her whole day just to read and read. Knowledge made her free as well, feed her brain as she gathered into books. With a book she was regardless of time. She was just an ordinary girl but she let her thought dream whatever it want. She said, dream kept her alive.

Those girl didn't realize there's a guy staring at her, in the train, everyday. The guy felt impressed with the girl. He like the way she put on her headphone, the way she opened her book, the way she looked stylish, he  liked her sharp dark brown eyes the most [his was blue].  He would always think about the girl he met on the train whenever he get  home and open his book. He clearly remember how beautiful she was, she would look more beautiful when she simply open her book. He really enjoyed staring at the girl along his way. He was so admired  on her. Once, he thought to make a short acquainted with the girl, but he wasn't that easy to start a word, beside that was a girl. Therefore he couldn't make an acquainted with stranger he met on the train. Ridiculous.

Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant smart girls in my life as I have this evening. He thought. He brace his self to make a talk as he just realize that the girl was reading his favourite book. It couldn't help him to standing still. "Sorry, umm did u read that book?" He asked hasitantly.
"Hah?" The girl shocked, she currently enjoy her solitude as she gave more attention into the words of her book.
"I love that book you're reading. Im sorry, well umm I just asking." His face getting red.
"Yeah, sorry umm Im a bit shocked." She said as she put off her headphone onto her lap.
"How can u hear me, with the headphone on?" He tried to  calm  his self.
"*chuckle* haha I didn't play on the music, I just yea put on my headphone without play the music. Umm u know, the crowded was..... a  bit freak me out. Well, not really."  She felt embarrassed. "Oh ok, I know. So, do u like that book you  read?" He asked as he take a sit beside the girl.
"Yea, I do. Its my friend recommendation but already on my book to read list, before they asked me." She said in low tone.
" so, I think it is almost everyday we got the same train." He said.
"We are? But I think I never saw you." She said curiously.
"Oh? Well, I like took a sit in the corner, next to the window. I liked the view. Umm anyway, Im Andrea, and you are?" He lock his eyes right into the girl's.
"Im Venus, just call me Ve." She felt blushy.
"So, Ve? How do u think about that book? Its been my favourite all along." "I love this book so much, it has a really great influence, and so inspiring me." The girl regarded the guy with cold eyes.
"Indeed, I felt amazed with the author too.

Anyway, Im gonna stop the next one station. So, uum...can I..can I get ur phone number?" He looked uncertain and shy. "A what? Um, sure." She write down her phone number into the guy's phone, and named it with Ve. "I gotta go, um I'll text u later, we might talk more about that book. See ya!" He step out to the edge of the train and fade into crowded.

Thought

She liked the smell of the rain

She enjoyed solitude she made herself

She liked the smell of the books

She could spend her whole day just to read

Wondering about thought behind her thought

She couldn't stop to think

She is just a girl  but with the head full of dreams

Dream kept her alive but also make her small yet free as well

She has her own world inside her head

Her mind was deep and complex

She's not like an ordinary world

She couldn't live an ordinary life

Dream kept her soul shine, she thought

And so do I

Growing up

I don't mind a lot of things these days. Perhaps this is what my mom right about, she told me what actually grow up is. But yea I never admit being older is a must. I have homesickness about something I can not return. The nostalgia, the memory, the yearning, and the lost place in the past. My words got frozen within my lungs and I believe that my thoughts are deadly. There's lot of wishes and dreams about the future.

The person I want to be, the places I want to go, the books I want to read, the things I want to draw, the words I want to write, the people I want to meet, the moments I want to enjoy, the friends I want to be with, the stars I want to stare, the imaginations I want to wonder, the knowledge I want to learn, and more things I want to know. 

Time doesn't like me so much and so do I. I hate it for being so cruel, but there is one thing we liked about each other. We're never stopping. And I just realize, Im no longer a toddler. Im already 18 now. And yea, I can't replay nor visit my childhood, yet it just remain a sweet and pleasant memories to remember.  

Thought about being an introvert (INFP)

I love being in solitude, it made me free as well, let my thought think what it want. Keep away from crowded just make me  feel 10000X better. I don’t know why do I feel strange when I was in crowded, often I feel exhausted and tired. I really need solitude just to recharge my energy, take away the bad feelings, and make my soul back in peace. Well, Im an introvert and solitude is a kind of my daily needed lol. I want to be alone about 75% of the time and get rid of people. Im sorry about people around me, maybe they thought Im a selfish, a big head, a freak or something. But honestly Im nothing like that. I do care about anything around me and everything, I just never mention it. I kept them in my mind. Im a very private person, yet Im an open book. If you don’t ask, I won’t tell hehe.

And for pople who called me freak, well I loved being a freak, thanks yall for called me a freak hehe (yeay Im a freak). I think you guys just didn’t get the real meaning of a “freak”. I think being a freak is a classy thing u know haha (nonsense). Sometimes I got overwhelmed about my feeling and drown into my thought. And yea I freak my self out. I’ve always been half out of my shell and half in sometimes. I can be extremely wild and sometimes I can be extremely shy it just depends on the day. I have galaxies growing inside me hehe!

Im an INFP and I have never dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul. I’ve always overthinking about everything and everyone, but I don’t want to talk about it, not to anyone. None. no one at all. i just want to think about it on my own, bcs it is mine and none else’s [mysterious]. Thats why I might look like a selfish, have no care about people or my circumstance. And back again, I do really care but I would never mention it.

I liked to keep my thought in my head and just for me. Maybe people would think I don’t get my self. Well, honestly I do really know who I was, but somehow my personality always got lost somewhere between my heart and my mouth. And I found my self saying the wrong thing or more often nothing at all.

I was an iceberg

With just the tip of my thought

Coming out of my mouth

And the rest kept up in my head

Im so in love with that poem, it was sooo me. you would lose ur mind if you're trying to understand me. Even me, I've always confused and overwhelmed when deciding thing about my feeling. Did u guys (INFPs) got the same feelings like me too? 

And I really love being an introvert so much. It’s like I have my own self controll that navigating me. whenever I want to judge people or do something bad or show off my ideas or speak up my ability, in the end I finally kept them inside my head and tell people nothing at all.

I loved deep talking with someone who got me. I often deep talked with my friend, she was an introvert too, she was an INFJ. We talked about how much we really love our self lol and enjoy a lot being an introvert. We loved reading books (at this time motivational books hehe) we just tried to make ourself cooler ,fangirl, and freak out our self-_-, talk about ideas, education, and many more deep things. And yea we called our self “a great soul” lmao. We even compliment our self (nonsense). Being an introvert is a bless, I thought. Well, being an extrovert is a bless too of course. It just the matter of perspective about how we see something or pattern. I also have a few extrovert friends who could I enjoy deep talk with.