Cloudy Evening of December

December evenings are a list of cold rainy days that stricken with cold and melancholy as if the past winter came rushing to haunt those whose heart is broken. It's both recalling back all the memories in the past and working on that new year resolutions. To move on and stay at the same time. From letters of last December that I wrote on the yellowish paper in my desk which I kept inside my drawer under my black journal, there are just a lot of memories that I wanted to last forever. Cold mornings, cloudy afternoons, and rainy evenings are those that keep me company and help me get thru the day. Thankiìng them for making my day less alone. Pouring down boiling-water into my cup of black coffee, without adding sugar to remind me of life. I drink coffee so I could a bit frame it as a "life in a nutshell" as my morning baverage. December always has a certain point that somehow makes me wanna move on to January asap and makes me wanna stay a bit longer at the same time. I guess Desember kinda makes me unable to interprete what the heart really wants or maybe Im too afraid to face the consequences ahead? Im afraid I can't be responsible with the consequences. I dont know, I really am. December is sweet yet Im afraid it will turn bitter. Im not sure, maybe Im afraid or maybe Im not. 

I cried at the sweetness of December, woken early knowing that somewhere, someone out there loves and cares about you is really a big deal. It kinda makes you feel vulnerable and secure, which is weird. Im trying to see things in perspective, not being judgemental, and to grow. This month is sweetheart, a list of warm hug in the cold december weather, light on the sky, the sound of the heavy rain and its storm that telling you not to worry about what might gonna happen in the future. The air is still cold, moving not so fast but in a certain speed. It goes same with the people that I meet in December, cold but sweet and I wonder will they leave that fast? I just couldn't take good byes and farewell, I wish people would always stay, Im afraid of losing someone. There were nights that I cried, got attacked by that nostalgic feelings. 

I always remind myself that everything is temporary and so is feeling. The feeling of cold yet warm December always welcome me in the end of the year, sending me sign not to worry much. All the tears, unfinished stories, heart breaks, and worries are indeed being stored all in one at the sweetness of December. Often I just want to escape from the madness of reality, going somewhere, for a little while, to recharge this fragile heart. Listen to the crashing waves of the ocean blue; watch the sun rises from above the mountain; look up at the night sky and lie down on the grass to see the Milky Way, stargazing; road trip to places I dont know; dance under the rain somewhere in the park; Like I said, December is cold yet warm, bitter yet sweet, it brings back all the memories and add up some more bittersweet love story. I wonder how long I would live-on in other people's memories. For I know everything is temporary. 

I believe everything that people do tell you a little something about them. there's a certain dose of truth behind everything that people do. We think we know someone but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they choose to show us. We know someone in a certain light, but we dont know them the way their mother does nor the way their lover looks at them that sees a precious gem that shine like a bright sun in the hot summer in August. 

When I want something with my whole being, but the universe withholds it from me. I feel like Im mad and wishing a heavy rain to wash me under the greyish sky in the midst of saharan desert. In this beginning almost mid December I wish that it will not turn bitter in the end, I hope December to keep being that way, a bit cold but warm and sweet.

*silly girl, she thinks she knows what she wants but she just cant figure it out and she doesnt understand how it will hurt.